Full of Grace

The NY Times has an article on Dog Massage - Isn't Petting Enough?

RENEE LANE’S living room had been transformed into a spa. Candles twinkled on the coffee table; lavender oil scented the air; lilting guitar music played softly on the stereo. Grace, Ms. Lane’s 2-year-old caramel-colored toy poodle, leaped onto the sofa and, in response to Ms. Lane’s cooing invitation (“Want to lay down for Mama?”), got into position for her evening massage.

Ms. Lane took a deep breath and began making long stroking motions down the length of Grace’s back with her palms. With her thumbs, she kneaded the tissue around the dog’s delicate shoulders, and then began working her way toward the muscles in the dog’s legs. By the time the 20-minute massage session was done, Grace had entered a state of canine bliss, eyelids drooping, tongue lolling....

Enter the sound of whistling. a door slamming...some cupboards...Renee's husband in the background asking how long you're supposed to microwave fishsticks for.  And who drank the last Michelobe Ultra. 

Renee clamps her eyes shut, massaging hands turn to claws.  Grace's tongue returns to (her) mouth. 

"RENEE!? Where did you put the taco sauce from Costco?"

Both Renee and Grace sit up, wearing the same frigid expression of disgust.  Grace growls. 

"WHAT THE FUCK, RAY?!  Can you NOT SEE the CANDLES? CAN YOU NOT SMELL THE SCENT OF LAVENDAR? THE MOTHERFUCKING GUITAR MUSIC!!!?? WE ARE TRYING TO BE BLISSFUL IN HERE! I DON'T GIVE A GREASY SHIT WHAT YOU EAT! OR FOR HOW LONG YOU HEAT IT!"

Sound of Ray mumbling, "I'll try 60 seconds...."

Sound of microwave.

Grace relaxes slightly, Renee pushes her gently back onto her cushions, kissing her paws and whispering, "Shhhhh....relax....mama is going to make you feel so...."

BEEP BEEP BEEP

Grace jumps down and runs into the middle of the living room.  Pees.

"GODDAMN IT RAY I AM GOING TO BEAT THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF YOU WITH A SHOVEL IF YOU DON'T KEEP THAT FUCKING NOISE DOWN> YOU KNOW GRACE HATES THAT SOUND!"

"Jesus, Renee, I'm just trying to get something to eat...."

"THAT'S WHY I PUT A BOX OF GRANOLA BARS FOR YOU OUT IN THE GARAGE! SHITBRAIN!" 

********

Also in the NY TImes is an article on vibrators and how they are now available in mainstream drugstores.  Next to the dog toys.  That's where I'd put them, anyway.

Comments

[heydave]

I don't know what to say but "woof."

[katy]

Not "At last I understand the lure of the Kong...and flavored 'stuffings'"?