thestain

Baby Talk

There is a woman, a girl, really, here who had a baby a few months ago and is bringing the infant to work.

I don't have a problem with that. I got to bring C*rlos to work for his first 6 months.  It was great.  Except I didn't like people touching or talking stupid to my child.  So...yeah.  It might take a village to raise a child, if you live in a village, but ...I am live where we have indoor plumbing and use food utensils. 

AND I don't really like babies.  I loved my OWN BABIES. COULDN'T put them down.  I loved every stage of their intelligent and amusing little development.  I just don't love babies...or children...in general. They are just the larval stage of HUMANS, and I'm not a huge fan of THAT. 

Today Nicki has her baby in Craig's office and Craig has her propped up on his desk (because ...she can't hold her head up on her own...and it's only 11 am!)  and there are several women crowded in there making nonintelligent cooing noises...and I see all this as I walk by to use the bathroom and Craig calls out to me,

"Hey! K*ty! Don't you want to come in here and see little baby As*ley!?"

I reply, without breaking stride, "No thanks. I have my dogs in the car, do you want to see them?"

I realize immediately, without even hearing the entire gasp string, that this was HUGELY SOCIALLY AND POLITICALLY STENCH-RIDDEN.  I like Nicki.  I'm glad she gets to have her baby with her at work. I have nothing against any of it.  I wish I had...just sort of gone in there and looked for a few minutes, made some throat noises...poked at the pupa's craniul soft spot...complimented Nicki for dressing in clothing that blended with baby vomit ...and left.  Because now I am REALLY getting the COLD VIBE. 

I have to ask Nicki to order me a new laptop.  Craig has to sign the requisition.  I. Am. So. Fucked. 

Full of Grace

The NY Times has an article on Dog Massage - Isn't Petting Enough?

RENEE LANE’S living room had been transformed into a spa. Candles twinkled on the coffee table; lavender oil scented the air; lilting guitar music played softly on the stereo. Grace, Ms. Lane’s 2-year-old caramel-colored toy poodle, leaped onto the sofa and, in response to Ms. Lane’s cooing invitation (“Want to lay down for Mama?”), got into position for her evening massage.

Ms. Lane took a deep breath and began making long stroking motions down the length of Grace’s back with her palms. With her thumbs, she kneaded the tissue around the dog’s delicate shoulders, and then began working her way toward the muscles in the dog’s legs. By the time the 20-minute massage session was done, Grace had entered a state of canine bliss, eyelids drooping, tongue lolling....

Enter the sound of whistling. a door slamming...some cupboards...Renee's husband in the background asking how long you're supposed to microwave fishsticks for.  And who drank the last Michelobe Ultra. 

Renee clamps her eyes shut, massaging hands turn to claws.  Grace's tongue returns to (her) mouth. 

"RENEE!? Where did you put the taco sauce from Costco?"

Both Renee and Grace sit up, wearing the same frigid expression of disgust.  Grace growls. 

"WHAT THE FUCK, RAY?!  Can you NOT SEE the CANDLES? CAN YOU NOT SMELL THE SCENT OF LAVENDAR? THE MOTHERFUCKING GUITAR MUSIC!!!?? WE ARE TRYING TO BE BLISSFUL IN HERE! I DON'T GIVE A GREASY SHIT WHAT YOU EAT! OR FOR HOW LONG YOU HEAT IT!"

Sound of Ray mumbling, "I'll try 60 seconds...."

Sound of microwave.

Grace relaxes slightly, Renee pushes her gently back onto her cushions, kissing her paws and whispering, "Shhhhh....relax....mama is going to make you feel so...."

BEEP BEEP BEEP

Grace jumps down and runs into the middle of the living room.  Pees.

"GODDAMN IT RAY I AM GOING TO BEAT THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF YOU WITH A SHOVEL IF YOU DON'T KEEP THAT FUCKING NOISE DOWN> YOU KNOW GRACE HATES THAT SOUND!"

"Jesus, Renee, I'm just trying to get something to eat...."

"THAT'S WHY I PUT A BOX OF GRANOLA BARS FOR YOU OUT IN THE GARAGE! SHITBRAIN!" 

********

Also in the NY TImes is an article on vibrators and how they are now available in mainstream drugstores.  Next to the dog toys.  That's where I'd put them, anyway.

What To Do In The Event Of a Gov't Shutdown...

Is that title misleading? It means what *I* should do, not you.  You, my friend, are on your own.  You bought these crazy gerbils we have running around DC.

So you don't get your next social security check on time...or ever... your new assault rifle or bag of explosives permit gets delayed and you have to skulk around with a hammer and some date rape drug for a few weeks...The Grand Canyon is closed for the second time ever! That big ass Canyon - EMPTY! For maybe weeks!

Or...fuck it: Let them AX medicare.  Fine.  I think for every heinous solid gold turd the Repubs shit in the name of legislature, the DEMs need to step up with a rider ..or a youtube video that helps push that turd into the spotlight where it belongs, where it can be poked and taken apart and analyzed. So that people start actually PAYING attention:

No medicare? Fine! If old people get sick, I am not paying for it.  Bottom line.  Nope. My parents are dead and I'm not old or poor enough yet to qualify as a burden. When I am, I hope to be caged like an animal and featured prominantly in Cienna's living room.  Next to the china hutch. Hell, IN the china hutch. I'll eventually die like a hamster as nature intends and when my bloated body is discovered, near the seed dish, or stuck in a plastic tube connecting the liquor cabinet...not being sarcastic any more....I can be buried in the neighbor's yard at night while they sleep, JUST LIKE WE DO WITH OUR PETS. If it's good enough for Lucky Diamond 1 -5, it's good enough for me.

But really: Every bill proposed, every budget cut...should have a mandatory 3 -5 minute youtube video depicting the details. Details that cannot be contained in the video, cannot be in the bill.  It would help if porn stars acted the roles, because that is the preferred medium of the internets...but animals and children are fine too.  And Jesus! Both sides get to submit their interpretation.  But it has to be short and it has to be visual...because that is the only way people are going to pay any attention to what these chittering buffoons are putting together for us to live our increasingly poor lives supporting or otherwise enacting. 

I'm sure the republicans will put a positive spin on the Medican't Bill or The Radical Plan For Medicare/Medicaid, as it's being referenced.  (Which, by the way, speaking of naming legislature: I think the FACTS of each bill should be fed into that Jeopardy Savante Computer...or anyone over 25 who plays 'Magik The Gathering' regularly, and THIS PERSON/PC comes up with the bill's real logical or fanciful title. More fun involvement for the public! Or machines!) 

...but a good video might show Gramma (old porn star. REALLY OLD.  With orthopedic spiked hooker heels in tan pleather and breasts that drape over each shoulder) being dropped off in the parking lot by another really old guy, with a hammer and some date rape drug on the dash.

Gramma shuffles into Denny's for her Senior Discount, where she is CARDED, of course, and checked for suspicious moles...she produces her medicare card which entitles her now to toast and a "stool softener"...by which I mean margarine.   She chokes on the toast and the quick responsive Denny's staff remove the uneaten portion of her meal and fit her with an airtight plastic bag, formerly containing bread, (Wonder! Good time for product placement!) and hold it over her head until her medical needs are fully met.  Her face matches her hair...at which time she is taken out back to the blue medicare recycling bin, the one marked 'Tuesday'...(and Yard Waste).  The remaining toast is placed outside in a bin with a handicapped sticker near the good parking. 

These are just some quick ideas I have today.  I'm sure I'll have more starting friday.